TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
