im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
