Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
