i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
