My hand turned me down
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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