yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
