I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
