you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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