the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
