drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
