Me too!
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
the raccoons are back...
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