you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
