I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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