I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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