im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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