I just saw a hot homeless man
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
that is very illegal...i love you.
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