When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
