Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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