so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
