ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
