i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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