Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
