remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
