god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
