Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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