i was born a porn star she said
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
