Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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