I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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