He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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