He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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