she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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