i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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