I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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