there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
