well I can't set my house on fire every night
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
