i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
