Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
