Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
