Your face is a jimmy john
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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