where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
