I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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