Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
