Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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