dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
