she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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