Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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