i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
