Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They took my balls.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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