I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
