I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
