im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
